A letter to Van Halen – Reunited and it feels so…Bad?

Original Van Halen Line Up Van Halen, Van Halen, Van Halen, *Sigh*…(I feel like a disappointed Mother). We’ve been waiting for a Van Halen reunited tour WITH ALL ORIGINAL MEMBERS for how long now? 23 years!? Ever since Van Halen 1984…One of the top 6 best albums in your Diamond David Lee Roth catalogue? (That’s a joke folks…they’re all great!) And now you’ve waited until the new millennium to try to put your differences aside only to reunite WITHOUT MICHAEL ANTHONY? ARE YOU PLUM FOCKING CRAZY? Don’t answer that…
Van Halen 1984 Album Cover...Brilliant
I’m sure Wolfie is going to do an amazing job at 15 and all…and yes I know I will be in the audience yelling over to my fellow Top 40 Music Sucks contributors/friends…”Damn for 15 that kid rocks!” But can a 15 year old drink 2 fifths of Jack Daniel’s straight from the bottle, run around the stage with his Jack Daniel’s bass and a bra on his head, panties hanging off his tuners, and pump out an ear splitting, drunken bass solo that will amaze and entertain the masses? Given our minimum drinking age of 21 and that Wolfie is not Michael Anthony that would make that a rhetorical question.

Michael Anthony and his Jack Daniels BassNow you will see in earlier posts that the members of Top 40 Music Sucks named Michael Anthony as one of the “Luckiest Musicians Ever” due to his lack of musical ability while being overshadowed in talent by you and your fellow band mates. But what he lacked in musical ability he absolutely made up for in stage antics and alcoholism. Let’s face it…he was a part of the VAN HALEN all your fans know and love. In short, this can’t be called a reuniting tour…it should be called “Another Reincarnation of Van Halen that Will Most Undoubtedly Fall Short of Expectations Tour”.

Now, let’s talk Van Halen psychology (a tough one to understand I know). I have a red hot burning question for you Van Halen brothers thats been stewing in my head for years. WHY THE HELL CAN’T YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR BAND MATES? When Michael Anthony of all people, leaves to play with Sammy “The Red Rocker” Hagar, you have to ask yourself “What the hell am I doing wrong to piss off the Wolfie Van Halen Rockin' Out!...Poor Kid :(luckiest musician alive?” I mean it’s been nothing but teenage bickering and drama with you two brothers. I’ve felt like I’ve been watching a 23-year episode of The Real World. And it’s ALWAYS the other guy…Dave’s a freak (ok I agree with this one), Sammy’s a jerk, Gary Cherone didn’t sell, Michael Anthony is in Sammy’s camp, and now you’re going to expose your 15 yr old son and nephew too the rigors, sins, and possible mental abuse of a 40 stadium tour? You better start looking for a good drug, alcohol, and sexual abuse center NOW for that kid, not to mention a life long plan of therapy, Xanax, and Cymbalta. (Man, as I write this I’m actually getting a little worried for good ol’ Wolfie who I haven’t even seen, heard, or know…poor kid doesn’t know what he’s in for.)

AND LASTLY…What in THEE heck are you going to do when you get inducted to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? (I predict an all out Van Halen brawl…That would be FANTASTIC wouldn’t it? Diamond Dave gives Eddie a scissor kick to the chin while Michael Anthony smacks Alex over the head with a bottle of Jack…Anyone know who’s in charge of SNL these days?)

A Diamond in the Rough...To say the LEASTDiamond Dave Lee Roth told Billboard last May, “I see it absolutely as an inevitability…to me, it’s not rocket surgery. It’s very simple to put together. And as far as hurt feelings and water under the dam, like what’s-her-name says to what’s-her-name at the end of the movie ‘Chicago’ — ‘So what? It’s showbiz!’ So I definitely see it happening.”

(ROCKET SURGERY! WATER UNDER THE DAM! AAAAAAAHHHH…HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Holy crap have Diamond Dave’s synapses completely folded or WHAT!?)

So, I’m going to leave you two one last question that will be on everyone’s mind when the tour is announced…”How much are tickets?”

11 thoughts on “A letter to Van Halen – Reunited and it feels so…Bad?

  1. HA! That hit it right on the head. Hysterical! I think I’m going to print it out and send it to Warner just to see what happens…Condition I. At least one female Rocker in each City will pretend that Mr. Alex Van Halen is good looking enough to warrant sexual services. great.

  2. Please do. I loved your post…figured my blog post would fit in. That being said, I plan on being front and center when (if?) they reach Seattle next fall. I can only hope ours is the City where Diamond Dave suffers a groin pull while leaping over a collapsed-drunk EVH fronted by “Wolfie” trying desperately to get Uncle Alex to loan him an STD home testing kit. It’s inevitable.

  3. That picture of the now-freakish David Lee Roth reminds me that some time lsat year I randomly turned on some late night show to see him playin “Jump” with a room full of session bluegrass musicians. Roth was pathetic – hilariously so – but the Eddie licks tracribed into banjo and fiddle were astounding.

  4. Why do you guys want all these reunions. They’re just not going to be any good. Especially David Lee Roth. It’s just bad news. I saw Van Halen’s first reunion..with Sammy and it really wasn’t that good. Drinking helped. Let past be past.

  5. I can’t believe this. Don’t know if, at this point, they should hang it up or let it rip. True Dave does look like a skull w/straw glued to his head…..Must be gettin low on funds…..Would be nice if the whole lineup was appearing.

  6. The way I see it is if they are good I got my money’s worth…if they suck big incredible balls then I got my money’s worth…just to see and hear David Lee Roth say stupid crap is totally worth it. Actually, just to see the look on Chadds face when Van Wolfie sucks ass would be worth paying the money.

  7. This is not an insult or sarcastic comment this is a serious comment. I think every single one of them should be seeking help from mental health professionals and guidance from a modern, down-to-earth, common-sense Catholic priest. We want them to be joyous in this reunion and play incredible music. Having some of the greatest musicians and stage performers fighting amongst themselves and being incredibly immature is undesirable and must be eliminated forever. We make jokes about strippers, groupies, drinking drugs and then add dispersions about their appearance, ages just simply misses the point many of us are advancing… First, we want people to be joyous, healthy, creative, and non-destructive in both their personal lives and professional careers. Second, learn to be friends again. Many unpleasant things have happened, and have been said, that created an angry, hurt and infuriating frame of mind among many of those in and closest to the band. All those issues need to be addressed and a spiritual healing needs to occur. In the first paragraph, I suggested that everyone seek professional help on several levels similar to “domestic partnership counseling” to resolve any issues, not just “be professional”, ignore the issues and perform their jobs.No one wants to watch and listen to a band whose members hate one another or engage in behavior that most of us find bizarre. (Side note: one of the most successful artists of the 80’s was Michael Jackson and his bizarre behavior was certainly outside what many of us found rather distasteful and unsettling – so good buy fan base, performing and recording career. Steve Harvey does a compassionate and funny job of commenting on Michael Jackson and his bizarre behavior in one of his Vegas stage performances. So, please use Michael Jackson as only one example of bizarre behavior – bizarre, aberrant behavior comes in many forms. One Last point– No I am comparing Michael Jackson’s behavior to anyone associated with Van Halen – it was just an example of bizarre.).Money and Music – Many of us will not pay to see, or purchase CDs, from bands that are placed together – just so the band members and the record companies can “make money”. On the other hand, many people will support them in the “fervent wish” that all the issues are resolved and everyone becomes friends again producing great music. Unhappy relationships, within bands, do not produce great music for long a majority of the time – they self-destruct repeatedly and sometimes forever without any reconciliation. (For those that want to point out some exception to prove this point wrong, rethink your position, there are thousands of bands to every exception – sad but true.)To be a “successful” rock start does not mean you have to outrageous all the time – many of us just enjoy talented people entertaining us. We do not enjoy egomaniacs, temper tantrums, immature behavior or sloppy sup-par musical performances from musicians and performers we know to be extremely talented and entertaining performers. We want to be able to identify with you as “real normal people” that just happen to be incredibly talented, and have a gift they will share with the rest of us.To everyone that thinks that talented geniuses are supposed to act an behave differently than the rest of our community – grow up, learn to responsible adults and role models for those who are children and look to you for inspiration in their young lives.

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