Van Halen, Van Halen, Van Halen, *Sigh*…(I feel like a disappointed Mother). We’ve been waiting for a Van Halen reunited tour WITH ALL ORIGINAL MEMBERS for how long now? 23 years!? Ever since Van Halen 1984…One of the top 6 best albums in your Diamond David Lee Roth catalogue? (That’s a joke folks…they’re all great!) And now you’ve waited until the new millennium to try to put your differences aside only to reunite WITHOUT MICHAEL ANTHONY? ARE YOU PLUM FOCKING CRAZY? Don’t answer that…
I’m sure Wolfie is going to do an amazing job at 15 and all…and yes I know I will be in the audience yelling over to my fellow Top 40 Music Sucks contributors/friends…”Damn for 15 that kid rocks!” But can a 15 year old drink 2 fifths of Jack Daniel’s straight from the bottle, run around the stage with his Jack Daniel’s bass and a bra on his head, panties hanging off his tuners, and pump out an ear splitting, drunken bass solo that will amaze and entertain the masses? Given our minimum drinking age of 21 and that Wolfie is not Michael Anthony that would make that a rhetorical question.
Now, let’s talk Van Halen psychology (a tough one to understand I know). I have a red hot burning question for you Van Halen brothers thats been stewing in my head for years. WHY THE HELL CAN’T YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR BAND MATES? When Michael Anthony of all people, leaves to play with Sammy “The Red Rocker” Hagar, you have to ask yourself “What the hell am I doing wrong to piss off the luckiest musician alive?” I mean it’s been nothing but teenage bickering and drama with you two brothers. I’ve felt like I’ve been watching a 23-year episode of The Real World. And it’s ALWAYS the other guy…Dave’s a freak (ok I agree with this one), Sammy’s a jerk, Gary Cherone didn’t sell, Michael Anthony is in Sammy’s camp, and now you’re going to expose your 15 yr old son and nephew too the rigors, sins, and possible mental abuse of a 40 stadium tour? You better start looking for a good drug, alcohol, and sexual abuse center NOW for that kid, not to mention a life long plan of therapy, Xanax, and Cymbalta. (Man, as I write this I’m actually getting a little worried for good ol’ Wolfie who I haven’t even seen, heard, or know…poor kid doesn’t know what he’s in for.)
AND LASTLY…What in THEE heck are you going to do when you get inducted to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? (I predict an all out Van Halen brawl…That would be FANTASTIC wouldn’t it? Diamond Dave gives Eddie a scissor kick to the chin while Michael Anthony smacks Alex over the head with a bottle of Jack…Anyone know who’s in charge of SNL these days?)
Diamond Dave Lee Roth told Billboard last May, “I see it absolutely as an inevitability…to me, it’s not rocket surgery. It’s very simple to put together. And as far as hurt feelings and water under the dam, like what’s-her-name says to what’s-her-name at the end of the movie ‘Chicago’ — ‘So what? It’s showbiz!’ So I definitely see it happening.”
(ROCKET SURGERY! WATER UNDER THE DAM! AAAAAAAHHHH…HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Holy crap have Diamond Dave’s synapses completely folded or WHAT!?)
So, I’m going to leave you two one last question that will be on everyone’s mind when the tour is announced…”How much are tickets?”